BY BRENDA RINDGE
Of The Post and Courier Staff
Originally published on 07/31/03

One minute he is your sweet little baby, the next, he's a monster. She goes from believing you're the smartest person on Earth to knowing you don't know a thing.

Such is life in a household with teens.

"Now I know why some animals eat their young," two mothers of teens said to me recently through gritted teeth.

"It is amazing the effect a teenager can have on a household," says Nicole Fleming of Charleston who is the mother of two teens.

"I miss the days when I was in charge around here. Sometimes now, it seems like every day is a power struggle."

Fleming is not alone, family counselors say.

"It's definitely a hard time," says therapist Caroline Ilderton.

The relationship between parent and child begins changing around adolescence.

"That's when kids start to talk back," says licensed professional counselor Susan Parsons.

Parenting teens is a challenge for many families. As children get older, the parent-child relationship evolves, and often there are struggles as members of a family try to define their new roles.

Teens are not only growing physically but also emotionally.

"Teens are going through so many changes," Ilderton says. "Going from concrete to abstract thinking is a big leap. They are self-centered but fascinated with a lot of what's going on around them. They want independence. They are faced with harder tasks and peer pressure to do things, and sometimes that bucks up against their family values. They are going to struggle with questions."

Additionally, she says, "Impulsivity and the decision-making parts of the brain are not fully formed. Teens live in the moment. They take things as they come."

Often, teens act in a more childlike manner when they are at home.

"At school or around their peers or other adults, they might be developing adult skills," Ilderton adds. "Many times parents say their child's teacher says the child is very mature, and they are shocked to hear that."

Parsons says parenting a teen is not much different from parenting a preschooler in one way.

"I see a parallel between adolescence and toddlerhood," she says. "Children want to explore, but they also want to know their parents are there for them."

As children reach the teen years, they are trying to figure out who they are and what's important to them.

"Their children's search for identity is one of the main things for parents of teens," says Ilderton. "There is a natural inclination for children to want to be independent, and that often upsets the household. Parents should realize that the role of the teen is to push away."

The challenge for parents, she says, is to hold on while letting go.

"As teens are starting to choose who they want to be with, parents should still be connected with them," Ilderton says. "They just can't be connected in the same way that they were before. They were micromanagers then, and there wasn't so much rebellion. Now, you have to be more of a guide but stay involved."

Parsons sees much the same challenge.

"The image I kept having was almost being by the child's side instead of in front of or behind or simply observing him," she says.

As the relationship changes, parents often find that they are now merely consultants for their children.

"You are a guide but are still involved in their lives," Ilderton says. "It's not about detaching all the way."

While children want to stretch their wings, they often don't know how.

"It's important for parents to understand it's a very chaotic and confusing time, and there is a lot of anxiety," Ilderton says. "They are not comfortable in their own skin yet."

Stress is added when many children hit the teen years just as their parents hit a midlife crisis.

That can make the stress overwhelming, but there is one relationship that can often help ease the tension, Ilderton says.

"Grandparents can be important at this time," she says. "It's often hard for a parent to step away from a situation, but grandparents can be lighthearted. There is more acceptance. Grandparents can be a great help."

Often, parents project their own goals onto their budding adults, and that can get in the way of children discovering who they are, Parsons says.

"When we have an idea of what we want our kids to be, it can get in the way of their growth," she says. "Parents want kids to be a carbon copy of who they are in sports, music or academics, and they may not be. I've had clients who come in and say, 'My parents made me play soccer. I hated soccer.' Or they have professional parents and the kid hates to read."

Parents have to let go of their notions and accept their children for who they are.

"Talk with them, not at them," Parsons says. "With my son, I learned that the more I could sit back and listen, the more I could learn."

Keeping those lines of communication open is extremely important. If parents don't listen to their kids, the kids will shut down, Parsons says.

Parents should remember their own adolescence, Parsons says.

"Remember what it felt like and what dilemmas you faced," she says. "And respond to your children the way you wanted to be responded to."

Listening to children without judging is very important.

"You have to be very honest about your feelings," Parsons says. "If you are disappointed, say so. They'll be disappointed with us, too. Talk about your feelings and maintain an intimate relationship with them like we do with our spouses."

Sometimes, parents feel that they are talking to a brick wall.

"You still have to give when you are not getting in return," Ilderton says. "There is not a lot of validation that it's making a difference. There's no positive feedback, but you still have to stay connected. Their behaviors and moods do not affirm that they need you around, but they do."

And what you say is sinking in.

"Your teen might not give you feedback, but she still gets it," Ilderton says. "Don't take it personally. Stay grounded. Lectures don't work, but they aren't useless either."

Allowing teens some leeway gives them a safety net while they are still living under your roof.

"Many kids don't know who they are, and they need time to explore and try on different things," Parsons says. "Parents need to give them the space to make mistakes. That's essential. And if you do it while they are still in the house, then you can help them with it. The more we continue to talk with them and let them know about our failures, that gives them permission to make their own mistakes.

And take heart, one day, your teenager will have teenagers of her own.

Brenda Rindge is a Family Life writer for The Post and Courier. Contact her at 937-5713 or brindge@postandcourier.com.

BOOKS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict by Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver.

Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go Of Your 13-18 Year Olds by Thomas W. Phelan.

It's Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer's Parents Let Him Stay up All Night!: A Guide to the Tougher Parts of Parenting by Anthony E. Wolf.

Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley.

Secret of Parenting by Anthony E. Wolf.

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager by Anthony E. Wolf.

Closing the Gap: A Strategy for Bringing Parents and Teens Together by Jay McGraw.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher.

When We're in Public, Pretend You Don't Know Me: Surviving Your Daughter's Adolescence so You Don't Look Like an Idiot and She Still Talks to You by Susan Borowitz.

PARENTING HELP

The Center for Women, 531 Savannah Highway, is offering a Brown Bag Lunch series on parenting teens in August. The meetings begin at noon, last an hour and are free.

For more information, call the Center for Women at 763-7333 or online at www.c4women.org.

Scheduled sessions include:

Aug. 7 - Parenting Teenagers: Risky Behaviors. Speaker Dr. Janice Key, Second Chance Network, MUSC.

Aug. 14 - Parenting Teenagers: The Psychology. Speaker Caroline Ilderton, M.A., L.P.C.I.

Aug. 21 - Parenting Teenagers: Your Expectations and Theirs. Speakers Susan Parsons, M.Ed., L.P.C. and Ciri Barfield, M.Ed., M.Div., L.P.C., executive director, We Are Family.

Aug. 28 - Parenting Teenagers: Teaching Financial Responsibility. Speaker: Cindi Alvanos, CPA, Pratt-Thomas, Gumb and Co.