BY BRENDA RINDGE
The Post and Courier
Originally Published on 5/08/03

Being a single mother is a challenge.

Even when you're tired or sick, you still have to take care of your children. You are responsible for the housecleaning and the yard work. And the income.

No one knows that better than Tina Messinger.

Last year, Messinger, who has been a single mother for more than a decade, started a group for other women like herself. That group could include more than half of all mothers in the United States, according to the Census Bureau, which estimates that more than 10 million women are single mothers.

Six moms attended the first meeting. Now the group has grown to include more than 40 moms ó divorced, widowed and never married ó at the weekly gatherings at Seacoast Community church. Topics each week include parenting, budgeting, time management and dating.

"My goal is not only to teach but to also give them resources," Messinger says. "They have to get rid of that 'woe is me' attitude."

Messinger, who was married three times, feels that her life experiences qualify her to help other women.

"I've done it all, the good and the bad," she says. "Being a single parent is a day-to-day struggle. I've tried hard to keep my morals and values and to keep a positive attitude."

She says she put her own life on hold while raising her two children, but feels that the way they turned out is a testament to the job she did.

Her 24-year-old son is a worship and praise leader at Seacoast's Annex church and her daughter, 18, is an honor student graduating from high school this year.

"I really sacrificed and both of my children have excelled," she says. "But it took a lot of devotion and commitment to do it. One of the secrets is to really listen to them and teach respect. I also expected a lot out of them."

So at a time when she could become an empty-nester, Messinger is, in a sense, starting over. She formed a nonprofit organization called A Sacred Place and hopes to leave her full-time insurance job to administer the nonprofit by the end of the year. She begins classes in May to become a counselor.

"I know what single moms are going through," she says. "I felt a need to help them so maybe they won't mess up the things I did. Single moms feel like misfits but they hate asking for help. People don't know what to say to them. I tell these moms, before you were a parent, did you know what it was like? If these people haven't been single parents, they don't know what it's like for us."

Messinger started the group by placing ads in Seacoast's bulletin.

"A lot of churches have parenting classes for two parents, but nothing for single parents," Messinger says. "And the programs for two parents don't work for single parents."

She receives as many as 10 phone calls each week, she says. Mothers who call often admit they thought about calling several times before actually picking up the phone.

"A lot of times, they just can't think the situation through," she says. "They don't have a partner to be a sounding board."

Many times, the mothers wait until they are out of their children's earshot before breaking down. The program keeps them from feeling so lonely, Messinger says, and gives them a support network so they won't lean heavily on their children for support.

"They call me crying on their way to work," she says. "They have no one else to call. They wear a very good mask. Sometimes I can't even see through it."

The group's participants vary widely by race and socioeconomic status, she says. The majority have young children, but the children range up to about 15 years old.

Women in the group have formed friendships that go beyond the weekly meetings, she says. They go to the beach together, trade babysitting and more.

"They're there for each other," she says. "Some of them have become best friends and they didn't even know each other before our meetings."

The program is not equipped for mothers with severe problems, such as drug or alcohol abuse.

"I have to try to build this army first before I can tackle that," she says.

At the meetings, Messinger tries to provide some insights on the most challenging parts of single parenting. For instance, she often could not afford to take her children out for meals or to buy them expensive clothes. Attending school functions without a spouse was also difficult, she says.

"And I can tell you that married women keep their husbands away from you," she says.

Parenting a son can add stress.

"My son is a typical boy," she says. "He got in trouble a couple of times. I have been known to borrow dads, like his best friend's dad, to really get through to him."

Automobile problems are another obstacle for single moms.

"Single moms won't get the oil changed," she says. "They don't want to spend the money and aren't comfortable getting it done."

She has talked churches into donating two cars for mothers in need and has received monetary gifts for her organization.

"The majority of these mothers work, they just have trouble making ends meet," she says. "One unexpected $200 bill for car repairs can set off a lot of problems.

"This is not about handing them things. They just need help sometimes. They don't want to be on welfare."

She has tried to help in other ways, too.

Messinger organized a Thanksgiving dinner for single moms that was advertised through church bulletins in East Cooper. Nearly 50 mothers attended.

The next month, she organized an "adoption" drive and connected more than 30 single moms with families who wanted to help out for Christmas. The families paid utility bills for the mothers and also provided gifts for both the mothers and children from a wish list.

"This is my mission and my passion," Messinger says.

"I have been where these women are and I want to help them."

SINGLE MOTHERS' GROUP

The single mothers' group meets 10 a.m. to noon Saturdays at Seacoast Community church in Mount Pleasant. There will not be a meeting May 10 because the church is having a mother-daughter tea, and new members are discouraged from attending the May 24 meeting because organizer Tina Messinger will not be there. For more information, call Messinger at 270-0555.

Also, Messinger and Pat Benzien will speak as part of the Center for Women's Brown Bag lunch series at noon May 22. The program is free. Call 763-7333.